Friday, October 23, 2009

The innocence grasped me..

Koshish India

I am not feeling like...

I am halved..
sliced up into two
neither contented nor gloomed
neither empty nor full
neither satisfied nor disgruntled
I am just not feeling like anything
Nothing cites me, nothing zeals me
Neither i feel lonesome in this nothingness nor i feel the crowd
But in this world of neithers and nors, i want to remain
because it is better than being in any kind of acuteness

Misery all around...

I could rarely hear anyone in the mayhem. The lady next to me was crying in agony. Her son had taken a blood bath. On the other side, an old woman was howling in grief because she lost her husband. An almost skeletal old man was quivering with chill. I could see havoc and turmoil all around. The squirm crowd was darting from here to there. My heart was pounding seeing the chaos. The panorama was spine-chilling and awful. I had never experienced such a hair-raising scene. There was so much suffering all around, It seemed as if I have been in a warfare. But no, it was no warfare. It was an emergency ward of a hospital. I went there to meet my friend who was a physician in that hospital. ”It really calls for a great moral fiber to witness such an agony every day. How would the doctors do that? Seeing a dead dog would make me restless for the whole day.” I wondered. I remembered that I became numb when for the first time I witnessed a rat dissection in the biology lab of my school. That scene had certainly changed my mind of becoming a doctor. Hats off to all Doctors !!

Pursue of happiness

It was HR round of my first interview during the campus. I was out done with my technical rounds . In the next round, the HR person was throwing missiles and grenades of questions over me. I was speculating and responding each of them with acumen. After a series of questions which I think he would have been bored of asking in each interview, asked me where would I see myself after 5 years from then. My mind's eye started to have a vision of myself after 5 years. In the long fantasy which happened in 5 seconds, I build a home, a car, bundle of exclusive possessions, a happy family, a good job. I rejoined and answered that I see myself as a happy and satisfied person in both my personal and professional niche of life. One more missile plunged asking where did I perimeter the "Happiness" and "Satisfaction". A good question it was and it was difficult to give the answer. I answered "A happy Family and a good job". The answered satisfied the interviewer but not me. The question overwhelmed me from there on. From there on, I started to find the appropriate answer of the question. When I cleared the interview I saw my parents extremely happy and celebrating my first job. Seeing them so much exhilarated, I told myself "Yes. This is happiness!". One day passed then two and then three. That happiness no longer accompanied me because now I had different aspirations and desires.
I earned and spent, bought gifts for my loved ones. I then possessed expensive chattels but sad, these moments of happiness were also bubble lived. Later life gave me the person with whom I can spend my life with. Our wavelength was in line. I again said to myself "Yes. This is happiness!". Even this happiness gushed for some time and I started searching for something new that would make me happy again.
With new happenings in life, I started realizing that happiness is the key tool to drive human life but no relationship, no car, no gold, no fame could give lasting happiness. For a brief interlude, one may feel that he has achieved what he desired but the very next moment the feeling is gone. Any sense of satisfaction from outside world and worldly things would not last for long because sooner something else is needed. A new source of happiness has to be sought to get something which is lacking.I was drained of this hunt for happiness and wanted something which would give me happiness that is not subjected for change and stays with me forever and also wipes away feeling of all fear and insecurities in life. I think it was too much to ask for. Because I knew when I die, I will have to say good bye to all my loved ones, abscond my possessions here in this world and all the reasons I celebrated in my life will be of no significance. Nothing of these will be accompanied beyond death and all objects will be surrendered here itself. We work day and night; exhaust ourselves for the things which would never be ours truly. So till now it was clear to me that the worldly objects are not real, they are just a shadow of reality. Earlier I was running for the happiness but now I am running to come out of this superficial life and think beyond this.
Shakespeare said, the world is a stage and we all are here to play certain roles-as a son or daughter, as a husband or wife, as a creditor or debtor. We make exits once we have played our roles. Once we are gone, someone else will come and go. If we think it closely what have we gained? If we think to more heights, why are we born as humans? Is there something we have come to achieve? I am sure it is not the worldly things for which we have come here. Why is it said that our actions are accounted in the end and we have to pay for our actions. What if I die before paying it? What is reincarnation and how can one come out of its cycle? One question leads to another and another to another and so on.
Most of the people don't get time to think about these things. Remaining think but don't find answers. When the curtains shed over their eyes open, its too late. It is too late for them to realize that apart from the three dimensions in life i.e Emotional, physical and mental; the fourth dimension is neccessary to live a balanced life- The Spritual Dimension..Or they are woven with silk threads of fantacies and the materialistic objects of this world and they are not able to realize the importance of the 4th D.
As the reality uncovered the dark, I found that my perspective towards life was changed, my way to react to people, things and situations changed. My way to respond to the world changed. I started feeling satisfied and happy all the time. I used outrage very soon at small things but now it seems that there is something inside me which is slowing chopping hormones which give birth to anger. Now I feel the calmness inside me, not running for things and people in life. Now I feel that I am able to do with my responsibilities in a better and composed way. The ego inside me has started fading off with time. And here I am, happy and satisfied at last !


The room was dark
Full of silence. I could hear the tick tock of the clock inside me
I tried to concentrate on it
Deep and deeper I went
Closer I tried to reach the beats, the thumps became fiercer
Soon the thumps were aggressive
Seemed trying to engulf me in something
Suddenly I felt a cramp in my bosom
It pierced me hard and harder
It ate all my vigor
Tears rolled down my chin
It was something scary that was trying to prevail over me
I felt crippled in facade
It captivated me completely
And left me breathless..
I could not keep my eyes open
And as I closed them, the next moment, I was free.
Lighter and brighter…No thumping, no pain
And there… I accomplished the infinity...